I have been gone, for a long time. I felt I had run out of things to say that were worth writing down. I was too exhausted physically and emotionally to even try. But I need to begin again. To process and pour out what God has done. When I came back to the blog I laughed because I found these words in a half-written post:
"It appears that I have no choice. Fresh start or no fresh start I have to be transparent. God is speaking to me, and likely to you. Crap. I will now dive into the mess that is my ugly heart and pray fervently that after you have seen it I will be brought low so that HE may be glorified. I John 4:18 says that perfect love casts out fear. In our journey with attachment parenting I clung to this truth. God loves me. GOD loves me. God LOVES me. God loves ME! Honestly my heart still is unfaithful in this. And so there is fear. Some say you can boil all human interaction down to these two great motivators. Fear and Love. The more I dig into myself, and the more I study God's Word, the more I believe it. Let me just say it right up front. Nothing good ever comes from fear. What if Jesus had been more afraid of the cross than He was in love with us? Fears roots are lies from the enemy. "
The more things change the more they stay the same. I just cannot possibly convey to you the depths of despair I have felt over the past two years, and I could also never convey to you the love and joy God has poured over me. It is still a mystery to me how God has woven suffering and despair into our lives, apparently for His glory. I know that is a controversial statement. Some argue that God never wills suffering. His will is always for good (our human version), for healing, for...well, whatever seems right to us. Wait, that sounds familiar...there is a way that seems right to a man, but it's end is...Anyway... I have to tell you that I disagree with the notion that God never intends for us to suffer or feel pain in this life. I think sometimes He does intend for trouble to come, for sickness, for poverty (of spirit in my case). I still am trying to process how I feel about that, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. It is irrelevant how I feel about it. The point is that somehow, through it all He is making me. He is making me humble. He is making me seek Him. He is making His glory more important than my current circumstance. And He has every right. He sent His son to die a long and torturous death for His glory. And I am the recipient of that gift. Everything else is cake. And actually, I've had quite a bit of cake lately. More on that later.